We made arrangements to visit to the cemetery this week. We buckled three boys into their car seats, the oldest holding two bouquets of fake pink flowers he had carefully picked out. Just minutes after we pulled out of our driveway, Pat and I heard, “Drive faster Dad!”
As soon as the cemetery came into view, Ledger begged to be unbuckled first. We reassured him, he would be, and seconds after being let out, Ledger literally leaped out of the car and ran up to Preslee’s headstone. He whispered something, bent down and kissed her picture. Seconds later, Cannon and Cruiz were right behind him, and they reverently approached the headstone, copied their brother and rested their little cheeks on her picture, their version of a hug. Their reaction surprised me, because Cannon and Cruiz really haven’t been to the cemetery all too often.
Pat and I walked over to help Ledger put the new flowers into the white vases. And then the next little while was spent listening to the twins making monkey sounds as they pointed to the monkey on the back of the headstone. Pat and I talked to the boys about their older sister, answering the million of questions Ledger had about Preslee, life, heaven, and earth. Pat and I repeatedly called the twins back, telling them to put the trinkets back on the surrounding headstones, while threatening they would have to sit in the car if they chose not to listen :)
When we told the boys it was time to go, Ledger surprised us when he burst into tears.
When we ask what was wrong, he replied,
“But I just miss her so much, I wish I didn’t have to wait till heaven to see her.”
(Ledger crying :)
As I watched all three boys gathered around their older sister’s headstone, the oldest crying while saying goodbye, I couldn’t help but think back to when I was expecting Ledger, fearing every single day that I wouldn’t be able to mix two different worlds. The distinct thought then came to mind, “They really do know her.” It was one of those tender mercies, where you feel your Heavenly Father’s love, it felt like He was smiling at me, saying,
“Remember all those times I told you it’s all going to be okay? Well it is, isn’t it?”
Before we left, Ledger kissed the picture of Preslee, and I heard him whisper, “I love you, Pweswee.” The twins once again copied their older brother with another hug, and we piled into the car and drove towards home.
As I thought about our experience on the way home, one quote continued to stand out.
Just days before, I had been blessed to attend the General Women’s session of general conference {Watch it here} I kept thinking back to Bonnie L Oscarson’s talk when she said,
“Let us defend the home as a place which is second only to the Temple in holiness.”
Though Preslee lives in heaven, my kids can continue to have a relationship with her, I just just need to lead by example, and help create an atmosphere to allow her to be present in our home.
Somewhere she can’t be restrained from being.
This week, my goals shifted. I’ve strived to make our home a different place, because”Strong eternal families and Spirit – filled homes do not just happen, they take great effort. “ (Cheryl A. Esplin) And though I’ve learned it takes a lot of work, with a lot of patience, I keep thinking about what President Henry B. Eyring said,
“Joy always comes after sorrow.”
(Read his talk here.)
I cannot even begin to imagine the joy we will experience after living a life spent missing our daughter. As Easter approaches, I continue to think about what it will be like to see my daughter resurrected, and what it will feel like to hold her in my arms with my boys standing next to me. I’m so grateful for a loving Savior who made so many promises possible.
Happy Easter.